I wrote this a few months back, but I wasnt ready to share it until now. Because of feelings.

I spent today at a writing festival in Dalkey, a beautiful place that holds both wonderful and terrible memories for me. It's where my grandparents lived when I was a child, and a lot of my childhood is still there.
Walking through the town after the festival brought back so many memories of my grandmother. We called her Nana Dalkey, because she
A) was my Nana
and
B) lived in Dalkey.

Kids are so dumb, I swear.

She left us a long time ago, when my daughter was only a baby, and I don’t think I ever cried after. I don’t cry at that kind of thing, not really. Crying is hard, like if I’m going to cry I have to concentrate on not crying until it goes away. I can’t allow myself a cry. But then of course I store it all inside, and so it comes out in fits and spurts at the most inopportune moments.
I always say it’s because I’m not a giant baby, but I do in fact know that it’s actually because I am not in touch with my emotions at all.
When I was a kid staying with my Nana, she brought me to mass, a lot. And she brought me to the church even when there was no mass on, just to say a prayer and light a candle. A lot. Lighting candles was extremely important to her. She had to give her twenty pence pieces and light candles for everyone. I would always have to light candles too, so I lit them for my mam and my dad, and for my other nana. So they’d... not die, or something? I dunno.
God magic eh?
She liked that though, me lighting candles for people, it made her happy.
It was always pretty funny for me, and quite odd. I never, ever could get my head around the God thing, it still doesn’t make sense to me at all. But I loved hanging out with her. I liked when she told me stories about Jesus, because she was telling them to me, she was giving me all of her attention and it made me feel very loved.
So today I walked to that church where I spent so much time listening to my Nana Dalkey. I walked around the grounds and I had a look at the statue outside. It’s a statue of Saint Teresa, with a snake at her feet for some reason...? My Nana used to visit that statue all the time, say prayers and whatnot, and if I’m remembering correctly she sometimes would leave a rose at her feet. I took the name Teresa for my confirmation, because she was my Nana’s favourite saint.
Standing there in front of Saint Teresa, I could see Nana in her wine coloured coat and her beret, blessing herself and smiling down at me. I remembered her telling me how Teresa used to see lots of weird holy stuff and that’s why she joined the nuns. (That’s my Nana’s story, but translated into my words, obviously).
She was so into it that it made me want to be into it as well, so she’d be proud of me. She was proud of me anyway though, when I look back I can see it, she thought I was the business, bless her.
After pondering on that statue for a while in the drizzling rain, I opened the door of the church and walked inside, wondering if I would remember it, it had been so very long.

I did.

I stood at the back of the church for a minute, because firstly I haven’t a clue what the heck one is supposed to do inside a church, and secondly, there were some people up the front and I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be there or what. But nobody told me to get out, so when I felt comfortable to move in a little bit, I did, and I sat on one of the benches (pews?) near the back. I was overwhelmed with the memories. This had been my Nana’s sacred place and now I could almost feel her with me, telling me how Jesus fought a lion with his bare hands or some shit.
That Jesus was a latter day Jack-Ass character and that’s for sure. He’d be a YouTube sensation today.
Then some music started playing, and a young teenaged girl stood in the aisle at the top of the church, and she started singing Andrea Bocelli’s ‘Time to Say Goodbye’. She sang it like an angel. It was beautiful, like bring-tears-to-your-eye-and-a-lump-to-your-throat, beautiful. She walked down the aisle as she sang, and when she got to the end, of the aisle and the song, she and everyone else left. Just walked out.

I was alone.

It was pretty surreal, really.
I walked to the top of the church, where the candles are. And although it would kill me in any other circumstance to give money to the Catholic Church, I put a donation into the candle box and I lit three candles. One for my amazing Nana Dalkey, who loved that church so much. One for my other Nana - who was equally as amazing, of course.
And the third, that was for someone who hasnt been gone for long, and I miss her so much right now that I can’t even allow myself to think about her most days.
​
And I sobbed my heart out.

I've had a few weeks of not writing anything. Yes, I am ashamed of myself. My brain wasn't working very well though. I needed a break from life.

I am going to get back into the swing of things with the thirty day writing challenge very soon, like in a couple of days probably. I'm hoping, if this weekend is nice, there will be lots of outdoors adventures. So I won't have time for any computer.

I think I'm a bit better. I've been on tablets for nearly a month now, and I've had a few good days of feeling perfectly normal. I'm not crying all day any more. Doing mundane everyday things isn't as difficult as it was a few weeks ago. I've had a few enjoyable adventures in the wilderness of Wicklow. It's going ok.

I still feel a bit pointless, and somedays going outside is almost impossible. But somedays, going outside is a thing that I can do without even thinking. Those days are nice. Today was not a nice day. I couldn't go outside today. But it was nicer than this day last week, for sure. And this day next week may be even nicer again.
My partner has been very supportive. I'm so glad I talked to him. I've never talked to him - or anyone really - about this stuff before. It's been good though. Just knowing that he knows is a weight lifted; maybe because I don't feel that I need to be normal in front if him as well as everyone else.

How are you all doing out there?

It's big world, and each and every one of us have problems and issues, and that's ok. A lot of us need each other to lean on, and that's ok too.
​Look after yourselves, and each other.

When I woke up this morning I forgot there's been anything wrong with me, and I lay there with my dog cuddling into me for a few minutes, until it hit me like a wave, and I couldn't breathe.
I tried to go back to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I saw horrible things happening to me, so I got up instead. I made some coffee and gave my dogs their breakfast and then I spent the day doing some laundry, washing the kitchen floor and making some dinner. It was better than yesterday. Yesterday I only made dinner and that took forever.
I don't know what I did with the rest of my day. Nothing, probably. Focussed on breathing a lot.
​
My mother called and had some tea this evening. I tried to be normal but I don't think she bought it, she kept asking me if I was ok, I kept saying yes. I'm sure I smiled a lot. Maybe I smiled too much. I don't normally smile. Maybe that was it.
But today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than that. I don't think I cried today. One foot in front of the other.
I hope you all are doing well out there.
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It may look like I'm taking a break from the thirty day writing challenge, but I'm not really. I'm not cheating it or anything. I'm jotting stuff down in my notebook every day, and I'll continue it on here very soon. I'm just in the middle of a breakdown, so bear with me.
Everything seems to be going a little askew from life's plan, and it's not doing my brain any good at all.
Life is very difficult right now. Today I wanted to do some laundry, wash the floor, clean the bathroom and make dinner. I got the dinner part done, just about. Everything else will have to wait, I'll try again tomorrow. Even breathing seems hard.
We're trying to buy a house. Apparently that's one of the most stressful life events... Or something... Just when we think everything is going our way, something pops up and fucks everything up.
So I know I'm well within my rights to feel like this. It's ok. But it's so horrible.
I haven't had anxiety this bad in about ten years. There's too much on my mind, and there are far too many things happening in my life right now, and I feel like if I was able to just go to sleep for a couple of weeks, when I woke up everything might be over and done with, but I'm an adult so life doesn't actually work like that.
Unfortunately.
I can't see the other side of this though.
I feel like there's something heavy sitting on my chest. I don't know how to get it off. I've even been to the doctor. I never go to the doctor about this shit. She gave me some tablets that hopefully will work soon. In the meantime I just have to hold it together and smile when people are watching.
I wanted to write a bit about how I'm feeling because I think I mostly write bullshit and joke around, I wanted to see how this would feel. This SHARING.
It'd be cool if anyone wanted to comment and weigh in with their own problems. It'd be nice to hear from you.

Day ten in the Thirty Day Writing Challenge is 'A fruit you dislike and why'

I must say, I'm absolutely incensed. What is this? What is going on? What kind of terrifying lunatic came up with this one? What sort of sociopath doesn't like any sort of fruit? It's all so delicious and juicy and flavoursome and refreshing. I just don't understand!
I'm so angry right now.
I'm going to go and eat a delectable juicy orange to cheer myself up.

Tasty, tasty fruit. Yum yum.

I'm counting this as day nine. Yesterday evening I went to a table quiz, I got back pretty late and things were a bit hectic, so no writing for me yesterday at all. I thought I might do two days today so I wouldn't get behind, but I'm not going to do that. Maybe I'll do day ten and day eleven tomorrow.
Today I attended a creative writers workshop. It was most enjoyable, and a really great experience. I've never done one of those before but I definitely will be doing one again. I did a lot of writing exercises today, and a lot of thinking, so I'm a little bit tired.

So day number nine in the thirty day writing challenge is 'Your feelings on ageism.'

I don't know if I have any! Surely I do, surely I'm against it? Of course I am. I'm against all of the 'isms'.
But I'm not sure if I've ever witnessed ageism, or experienced it. I feel like it might be a thing that older people might experience most? I think after this I might keep a watchful eye out for ageism. Maybe it's just something I don't notice because I'm not very aware of it. If I start noticing it as a common occurrence I shall report back to you.

Old people have really good stories, I like hearing about what their lives were like years ago, especially the ones who did lots of sexy drug stuff, and they tell you about how fucked up they got in the seventies, and they don't give a shit. Those stories are funny. I think it's because coming from an older person they're unexpected somehow. Maybe that's ageist of me though? See, I'm keeping a watchful eye already.

Day ten is a fruit you dislike and why... Ehh... Come back for that, that should be interesting. I'm angry about that already. Fruit is amazing. What sort of thing is that to talk about or write about?

Day eight in the 30 day writing challenge is 'A book you love and one you didn't.'

Well now. I don't know about this. A book I love? Just ONE?! That doesn't actually work, does it?
How can there only be one? It's simply impossible. And yes, I suppose I could choose one of my favourites and tell you about it, but that's like picking a favourite type of cheese or a favourite chocolate bar or a favourite doggy. It's far too difficult, and I shan't. 

So let me tell you all the lovely bookies. 
Harry Potter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7. Oh my goodness these books are my life. They are the most amazing jewels, the most precious, beautiful babies. Read them, if you haven't already, and your mind will change into a much nicer mind. I try to read the whole series once every couple of years.

The Hobbit. My old friend. It's such a beautiful story.

The Lord of The Rings. My much fatter old friend. This is also a beautiful story. It's very difficult to get through but it's worth it. 

The Book Thief. This is a very lovely book, which I think everybody in the whole world should read. 

Gone With the Wind. Wowsers to that, it's freakin amazing. I forced myself to read this giant daunting stack of pages about 20 years ago. I had to force it because I didn't think it would be very enjoyable. I was very wrong. I hope to read it again one day. It really is something you need to put your mind to though.

And last but not least in the list of lovely books, The Secret Garden. This book is one of my childhood favourites. I was given a hardback copy with beautiful illustrations when I was young and I think that helped to make the book even more special to me, because most of my books were tattered old paperbacks. Not that I didn't love those too, that sounds shallow. I just had a few books that were beautiful gifts and they were very dear to me.  

I read all of the time. I like to devour the words with my greedy eyeballs and shovel them all into my brain. Is there a book I didn't like? I know there was at least one, but you know what? That was somebody's baby. That was somebody's heart and soul that they took and they squeezed and they poured on to paper. So I'm going to keep my opinions on that to myself.

Tune in tomorrow to find out about my feelings on ageism. It's not going to be exciting, fair warning guys.      

  

It's day number seven in the thirty day writing challenge, and I'm still here. I'm proud of that. I feel like I have achieved something rather brilliant. Maybe I should make myself a 'one week goal' badge out of tin foil and some glitter.

Day number seven is, write about what tattoos you have and if they have meaning.
This is pretty easy, I have lots of tattoos, so I'm not stuck for anything to write about, not like yesterday.

I have a spider tattoo on my finger. I quite like spiders. And then going up my arm I have some flowers and fairies and toadstools and leaves, and some more spiders and some ladybirds and a big fat hairy green and black caterpillar that I just love. On my shoulder I have some butterflies. I got this sleeve done (it's not quite finished but we're nearly there!) because I love nature and spiritual things like fairies and unicorns and that.

My fairy tattoos do mean something. Some of them don't, they're just pretty, but one of them is a bluebell fairy, she's there because the woods I used to play in as a kid - and imagine there to be fairies - was always carpeted with bluebells in April or May. Another fairy is a forget-me-not fairy, and she's there for my Nana.
Also on my arm, among the fairies, I have a Preying Mantis with some Japanese throwing stars, a Venus fly trap, a bat, and a Golden Snitch, because Harry Potter is the best thing ever invented.
​

The Golden Snitch is nearly one of my favourite tattoos, and so is this tiny piggy, it belongs to one of my fairies. It's her little piggy friend.

I have some more fairies on my back, but these will be covered by something snazzy one day.

I have a beautiful Quentin Blake illustration of Roald Dahl's Matilda on my thigh. It's the one where she's sitting on a pile of books, reading a book.
This means a lot to me. When I was a child, I thought, because I might be magic and because I read all of the time, that I might have powers like Matilda. I never moved anything with my mind though. My daughter reminds me of Matilda a lot, she always has her head stuck in a book.
Roald Dahl is one of my heroes. There is a quote from him about Matilda above the picture of Matilda, that's part of the tattoo as well. I love that tattoo, but only a few people have ever seen it because I really don't love my thighs.

My feet are both tattooed with some pretty things that don't mean anything, I won't put a picture of those up because some people really are funny about feet.

I have some more tattoos that aren't worth mentioning because they're not finished, and I have plans for many more.

Tomorrows challenge might be one of my favourites so far. It's is 'A book you love and one you didn't'. Hmmm... Tune in for that anyway guys, stick with me!

Day six in the thirty day word challenge has bored me. I'm not happy about this. I wouldn't bother reading any further if I were you.

Day 6. Someone who fascinates you and why.

This one has had me racking my brain. I'm sorry, (why am I apologising?) but nobody 'fascinates' me. I admire a lot of people - authors, actors, activists, normal people who work their butts off just to get by in life - but I'm not fascinated by any of them.

So after much racking of brain, I have decided fuck that, and I have written nothing of importance. I sincerely apologise for wasting your time, if you made it this far. On the other hand, I'm trying to write every day and I'm doing a good job of that. So good on me, eh?

Look. Here is a picture of a rock that we balanced on top of a stick a few weeks ago. We threw smaller rocks at it to try and knock it off.
That might interest you a little, and now maybe you don't feel cheated out of three minutes of your life that you will never get back.

Day five in the thirty day writing challenge is...

A place you would live but have never visited.
This is a no-brainer for me. It's Italy. This is a country I have always wanted to visit, I mean just look at it...

Image taken from tripadvisor.com

It's so frickin beautiful, every part of it. It's got mountains, lakes, beaches, history, amazing history! Museums, art, so much culture, and all of that lovely lovely food.
I want to visit it all, I'm just so in love with it. I think it's probably a lot like Ireland, but maybe warmer, and with sexier people.
We are planning a trip to Italy for our Honeymoon, so hopefully that happens and we can spend a few weeks travelling around Italy, and see as much of it as we can.
When we go there we want to stay in a tree house and do some glamping and camping and go to Venice and Tuscany and the Lake District, and possibly Pompeii but I think that might not be very romantic, so we'll see.
I would definitely live there though, if I was given a choice now to go live somewhere. I would live in the countryside in Italy and I would grow vegetables and drink wine all day and I would write and paint and have a lovely tan.