When I woke up this morning I forgot there's been anything wrong with me, and I lay there with my dog cuddling into me for a few minutes, until it hit me like a wave, and I couldn't breathe.
I tried to go back to sleep but every time I closed my eyes I saw horrible things happening to me, so I got up instead. I made some coffee and gave my dogs their breakfast and then I spent the day doing some laundry, washing the kitchen floor and making some dinner. It was better than yesterday. Yesterday I only made dinner and that took forever.
I don't know what I did with the rest of my day. Nothing, probably. Focussed on breathing a lot.
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My mother called and had some tea this evening. I tried to be normal but I don't think she bought it, she kept asking me if I was ok, I kept saying yes. I'm sure I smiled a lot. Maybe I smiled too much. I don't normally smile. Maybe that was it.
But today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than that. I don't think I cried today. One foot in front of the other.
I hope you all are doing well out there.
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It may look like I'm taking a break from the thirty day writing challenge, but I'm not really. I'm not cheating it or anything. I'm jotting stuff down in my notebook every day, and I'll continue it on here very soon. I'm just in the middle of a breakdown, so bear with me.
Everything seems to be going a little askew from life's plan, and it's not doing my brain any good at all.
Life is very difficult right now. Today I wanted to do some laundry, wash the floor, clean the bathroom and make dinner. I got the dinner part done, just about. Everything else will have to wait, I'll try again tomorrow. Even breathing seems hard.
We're trying to buy a house. Apparently that's one of the most stressful life events... Or something... Just when we think everything is going our way, something pops up and fucks everything up.
So I know I'm well within my rights to feel like this. It's ok. But it's so horrible.
I haven't had anxiety this bad in about ten years. There's too much on my mind, and there are far too many things happening in my life right now, and I feel like if I was able to just go to sleep for a couple of weeks, when I woke up everything might be over and done with, but I'm an adult so life doesn't actually work like that.
Unfortunately.
I can't see the other side of this though.
I feel like there's something heavy sitting on my chest. I don't know how to get it off. I've even been to the doctor. I never go to the doctor about this shit. She gave me some tablets that hopefully will work soon. In the meantime I just have to hold it together and smile when people are watching.
I wanted to write a bit about how I'm feeling because I think I mostly write bullshit and joke around, I wanted to see how this would feel. This SHARING.
It'd be cool if anyone wanted to comment and weigh in with their own problems. It'd be nice to hear from you.

Day ten in the Thirty Day Writing Challenge is 'A fruit you dislike and why'

I must say, I'm absolutely incensed. What is this? What is going on? What kind of terrifying lunatic came up with this one? What sort of sociopath doesn't like any sort of fruit? It's all so delicious and juicy and flavoursome and refreshing. I just don't understand!
I'm so angry right now.
I'm going to go and eat a delectable juicy orange to cheer myself up.

Tasty, tasty fruit. Yum yum.

I'm counting this as day nine. Yesterday evening I went to a table quiz, I got back pretty late and things were a bit hectic, so no writing for me yesterday at all. I thought I might do two days today so I wouldn't get behind, but I'm not going to do that. Maybe I'll do day ten and day eleven tomorrow.
Today I attended a creative writers workshop. It was most enjoyable, and a really great experience. I've never done one of those before but I definitely will be doing one again. I did a lot of writing exercises today, and a lot of thinking, so I'm a little bit tired.

So day number nine in the thirty day writing challenge is 'Your feelings on ageism.'

I don't know if I have any! Surely I do, surely I'm against it? Of course I am. I'm against all of the 'isms'.
But I'm not sure if I've ever witnessed ageism, or experienced it. I feel like it might be a thing that older people might experience most? I think after this I might keep a watchful eye out for ageism. Maybe it's just something I don't notice because I'm not very aware of it. If I start noticing it as a common occurrence I shall report back to you.

Old people have really good stories, I like hearing about what their lives were like years ago, especially the ones who did lots of sexy drug stuff, and they tell you about how fucked up they got in the seventies, and they don't give a shit. Those stories are funny. I think it's because coming from an older person they're unexpected somehow. Maybe that's ageist of me though? See, I'm keeping a watchful eye already.

Day ten is a fruit you dislike and why... Ehh... Come back for that, that should be interesting. I'm angry about that already. Fruit is amazing. What sort of thing is that to talk about or write about?

Day eight in the 30 day writing challenge is 'A book you love and one you didn't.'

Well now. I don't know about this. A book I love? Just ONE?! That doesn't actually work, does it?
How can there only be one? It's simply impossible. And yes, I suppose I could choose one of my favourites and tell you about it, but that's like picking a favourite type of cheese or a favourite chocolate bar or a favourite doggy. It's far too difficult, and I shan't. 

So let me tell you all the lovely bookies. 
Harry Potter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7. Oh my goodness these books are my life. They are the most amazing jewels, the most precious, beautiful babies. Read them, if you haven't already, and your mind will change into a much nicer mind. I try to read the whole series once every couple of years.

The Hobbit. My old friend. It's such a beautiful story.

The Lord of The Rings. My much fatter old friend. This is also a beautiful story. It's very difficult to get through but it's worth it. 

The Book Thief. This is a very lovely book, which I think everybody in the whole world should read. 

Gone With the Wind. Wowsers to that, it's freakin amazing. I forced myself to read this giant daunting stack of pages about 20 years ago. I had to force it because I didn't think it would be very enjoyable. I was very wrong. I hope to read it again one day. It really is something you need to put your mind to though.

And last but not least in the list of lovely books, The Secret Garden. This book is one of my childhood favourites. I was given a hardback copy with beautiful illustrations when I was young and I think that helped to make the book even more special to me, because most of my books were tattered old paperbacks. Not that I didn't love those too, that sounds shallow. I just had a few books that were beautiful gifts and they were very dear to me.  

I read all of the time. I like to devour the words with my greedy eyeballs and shovel them all into my brain. Is there a book I didn't like? I know there was at least one, but you know what? That was somebody's baby. That was somebody's heart and soul that they took and they squeezed and they poured on to paper. So I'm going to keep my opinions on that to myself.

Tune in tomorrow to find out about my feelings on ageism. It's not going to be exciting, fair warning guys.      

  

It's day number seven in the thirty day writing challenge, and I'm still here. I'm proud of that. I feel like I have achieved something rather brilliant. Maybe I should make myself a 'one week goal' badge out of tin foil and some glitter.

Day number seven is, write about what tattoos you have and if they have meaning.
This is pretty easy, I have lots of tattoos, so I'm not stuck for anything to write about, not like yesterday.

I have a spider tattoo on my finger. I quite like spiders. And then going up my arm I have some flowers and fairies and toadstools and leaves, and some more spiders and some ladybirds and a big fat hairy green and black caterpillar that I just love. On my shoulder I have some butterflies. I got this sleeve done (it's not quite finished but we're nearly there!) because I love nature and spiritual things like fairies and unicorns and that.

My fairy tattoos do mean something. Some of them don't, they're just pretty, but one of them is a bluebell fairy, she's there because the woods I used to play in as a kid - and imagine there to be fairies - was always carpeted with bluebells in April or May. Another fairy is a forget-me-not fairy, and she's there for my Nana.
Also on my arm, among the fairies, I have a Preying Mantis with some Japanese throwing stars, a Venus fly trap, a bat, and a Golden Snitch, because Harry Potter is the best thing ever invented.
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The Golden Snitch is nearly one of my favourite tattoos, and so is this tiny piggy, it belongs to one of my fairies. It's her little piggy friend.

I have some more fairies on my back, but these will be covered by something snazzy one day.

I have a beautiful Quentin Blake illustration of Roald Dahl's Matilda on my thigh. It's the one where she's sitting on a pile of books, reading a book.
This means a lot to me. When I was a child, I thought, because I might be magic and because I read all of the time, that I might have powers like Matilda. I never moved anything with my mind though. My daughter reminds me of Matilda a lot, she always has her head stuck in a book.
Roald Dahl is one of my heroes. There is a quote from him about Matilda above the picture of Matilda, that's part of the tattoo as well. I love that tattoo, but only a few people have ever seen it because I really don't love my thighs.

My feet are both tattooed with some pretty things that don't mean anything, I won't put a picture of those up because some people really are funny about feet.

I have some more tattoos that aren't worth mentioning because they're not finished, and I have plans for many more.

Tomorrows challenge might be one of my favourites so far. It's is 'A book you love and one you didn't'. Hmmm... Tune in for that anyway guys, stick with me!

Day six in the thirty day word challenge has bored me. I'm not happy about this. I wouldn't bother reading any further if I were you.

Day 6. Someone who fascinates you and why.

This one has had me racking my brain. I'm sorry, (why am I apologising?) but nobody 'fascinates' me. I admire a lot of people - authors, actors, activists, normal people who work their butts off just to get by in life - but I'm not fascinated by any of them.

So after much racking of brain, I have decided fuck that, and I have written nothing of importance. I sincerely apologise for wasting your time, if you made it this far. On the other hand, I'm trying to write every day and I'm doing a good job of that. So good on me, eh?

Look. Here is a picture of a rock that we balanced on top of a stick a few weeks ago. We threw smaller rocks at it to try and knock it off.
That might interest you a little, and now maybe you don't feel cheated out of three minutes of your life that you will never get back.

Day five in the thirty day writing challenge is...

A place you would live but have never visited.
This is a no-brainer for me. It's Italy. This is a country I have always wanted to visit, I mean just look at it...

Image taken from tripadvisor.com

It's so frickin beautiful, every part of it. It's got mountains, lakes, beaches, history, amazing history! Museums, art, so much culture, and all of that lovely lovely food.
I want to visit it all, I'm just so in love with it. I think it's probably a lot like Ireland, but maybe warmer, and with sexier people.
We are planning a trip to Italy for our Honeymoon, so hopefully that happens and we can spend a few weeks travelling around Italy, and see as much of it as we can.
When we go there we want to stay in a tree house and do some glamping and camping and go to Venice and Tuscany and the Lake District, and possibly Pompeii but I think that might not be very romantic, so we'll see.
I would definitely live there though, if I was given a choice now to go live somewhere. I would live in the countryside in Italy and I would grow vegetables and drink wine all day and I would write and paint and have a lovely tan.

Day four of the thirty day writing challenge is to write ten interesting facts about yourself. I got stuck after the first two, which to be honest are not even interesting. I'm sorry.
I thought of some more though, after a while, so even though they are not interesting at all either, at least I got there in the end.

Ten 'interesting' facts about me.

1. I'm so scared of fire. It's very hot and difficult to control, and I watch it all of the time to make sure it's not going to kill anything that I love.

2. I mostly hate housework but I actually enjoy cleaning the bathroom. I find it somewhat satisfying.

3. Dogs make me so happy. I don't think anything else could make me as happy as my dogs do.

4. I probably have aspergers... Is that interesting? I hope it is, I find it interesting.

5. I always thought I was magic, because my eyes are green. I spent my childhood waiting for my powers to develop.

6. I used to see ghosts a lot when I was a kid. Sometimes I wonder if I used to be insane, and sometimes I wonder if ghosts are real.

7. I'm a bit psychic, but I always think things like "being psychic isn't a real thing, don't be so stupid." So I'm not really sure how to deal with that. I'm a big believer in logic and science and coincidence. But sometimes I feel confused about it because things happen that I can't explain and I guess pretending to be psychic is easier than not being able to explain it. Maybe?
Once, I was talking with a really old witch lady that I used to know, and she put her hand on my forehead and said that I was "very psychic", and then I felt a kind of fuzzy, light feeling in my head. She was really really super old, like 100 or something, so I'm sure she was right. Respect your elders boys and girls.

8. I wish that I had been 35 when I was a teenager, because I think I almost know what I want to do with my life, but now it's too late. I know it's actually never too late, but I'm old and tired, and I just want to sleep now, but I can't. I need to learn things and look for work.

9. Is it an interesting fact that I make candles for a living? I like to make candles that look like food, and I make them smell like what they look like. They smell and look delicious. So there's cupcake candles that smell like cupcakes, and ice cream candles that smell like ice cream, and coffee candles that smell like coffee... And more stuff too. I love them.

10. Is it another interesting thing that I want to be a book editor? I love reading over people's work and fixing it, and being a book editing candle maker would be my dream job.

There you go guys, I hope those facts interested you more than they interest me. They're the most interesting things about me that I could come up with.
Tomorrows installment, number five, is 'a place you would like to live but have never visited'. See you then!

30 day word challenge, day three. I should have posted this last night. We had a date night and I forgot. But the next morning is better than never.

So number three is - Your first love, and first kiss. If separate, discuss both.

Thinking about out this a lot. My first love, probably was not my first love. Not really. It was definitely my first obsession, my first thing that I had a reason to get out of bed for. My first thing that gave me a reason to be alive. Before that I didn't have anything.
I fell into that, and it was very very difficult to clamber back out again. It took a long time to do that, and it exhausted me.

I feel like now is my first love. Now I have a proper love. One that is good for me, and good for him (I hope). One that makes me feel happy. One that doesn't make me question myself or second guess all of my decisions. In this love, nothing hurts. In this relationship I can look to the future and know everything will be good. I'm comfortable with me and with him and with my life. And it's really, really nice.

My first kiss... And I'm probably cheating on the thirty day writing challenge here, I think the aim of this is to write about random things, some of which you may be uncomfortable with - and that is good for you. That's the challenging bit. But my first kiss is not something I care to remember or dredge up, not now anyway. Maybe someday.

Tomorrow - or tonight rather because I was late with this... Number four is 'Ten interesting facts about yourself'. I'm not sure I'm interesting enough for this one but we'll give it a whack.