Now, I love to write shit, and thats why I set up this bloggy thingamajig here. But since I set it up I just can't seem to think of anything to write about. Which kinda sucks, because I know the world is just waiting, with baited breath, for me to put fingers to keyboard and astound you all. Therefore, I decided to write about this. I shall keep you waiting no longer.
So here we go. Prepare to be astounded! Or at least mildly entertained for a minute.
I'm going to tell you about my - two thirds delightful, one third 'what the fuck?!' - day spa experience. And if you want to read my friend Karens account of the same, go to her blog http://crazycozychic.weebly.com/1/post/2013/08/friday-review.html and sure while you're there you might as well learn something about how to do your hair. Maybe she can help you to not look as if the cat dragged you through a hedge backwards. You scruffy bastards.
Balleycoursey day spa is situated outside of Enniscorthy town, in St. John's Manor. It is a very lovely big old fancy house, I think Karen took some pics of it so if you want to see them... go look... We talked a lot about how it would be very nice to live in such a place and how you could have your friends over for dinner and that sort of thing if you did live there.
A tree lined avenue - or 'lane' as they're called where I come from – leads you up to the house, and while I was looking for the car park I noticed some huge trees to my left with hammocks between them. I got dreadfully excited then, as I like hammocks very much.
When we parked and got out of the car, we were greeted by very friendly possibly labrador or golden retriever cross, who wagged his tail at us and allowed us to pet him for a minute while he stood there with his tongue hanging out.
Then a lady who may own the place - but I'm not positive about that – opened the door for us, she was very friendly and welcoming. She brought us to a changing room where we were each given a robe and slippers and a pair of disposable knickers. I was a little creeped out by the disposable knickers at first, but I must say, when I put them on I really found them rather fetching. And also quite comfortable.
We put our clothes in the lockers provided, and then we were brought to a beautiful living room where there was tea, coffee, a plate of biscuits and a huge bowl of fruit waiting for us. I had a plum. It was delicious. After I ate it I looked around for a bin so I could throw the stone away. There was no bin. I left the stone on the table. Awkward. Also my tea was nice.
We were then informed that if we wanted any more tea or coffee throughout the day there was a little kitchenette area for us to make our own. That threw me a bit. We only get one cup of tea made for us? I thought I was going to be spoiled!
What threw me even more was the sign in the little kitchenette area that said when you made tea or coffee, you were to please wash up after yourself... Eh, what?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did I not come here for a half-day of pampering and relaxation? Is that not what I'm paying for? Making my own tea and washing up after myself isn't my idea of relaxing, not at all.
But I forgave them for that and I moved on, and so we began the treatments. First up, I got an 'Express Facial' - which I presume is like a normal facial, but faster - while Karen went in for her aloe vera body wrap. The facial was nice, my face skin feels amazing after it, and people have been commenting on my glowing complexion, but for someone like me, who is always thinking about ways I could be maimed or murdered, it was a little bit stressful too.
Don't get me wrong, please! The lady was so so nice, she was really friendly and gentle and not at all murdery, I was just a little stressed out because of my brain. For some reason it always thinks it's in danger. Silly brain.
Firstly the nice lady did some facial cleansing thing I think, which was a bit nice, but she kept pinching my nose closed, which probably wouldn't bother most people while they're getting their face cleansed but I hate it, it's one of my worst things, having my nose pinched closed. Every time she did it, for a split second I thought, "Oh shit, I can't breathe, I'm going to suffocate, fuck fuck fuck." However, not once did I open my mouth to breathe through that... No, that would have been far too easy...
But my inward freaking out didn't stop there. Oh no. She gave my face a good old scrub, and then gave me a face massage. That was awesome. Relaxed me no end. Until of course she started massaging around my eyes. I could feel her pressing on what I assume were my pressure points, on my temples and eye sockets. Now I 'suffer terrible' with migraines and sinus headaches, so it felt like this was probably really good for me. But all I could think about was how easy it would be for this lady to just poke right though my eyeball if she wanted to. I would never be expecting it, and therefore wouldn't have a hope in hell of stopping her. She had very strong fingers. Massage therapists probably all do.
After this she put a mask on me - a mud mask, not a halloween witch mask or a Ronald Reagan mask or anything. A lovely mud mask, and some aloe vera pad things over my eyes. This was all very well until I heard her get up and cross the room. And what thought went through my head? "Oh shit, this crazy bitch is going to lock the door and slit my throat" of course. What else? She could have and all, I'd never have seen it coming with those things over my eyes. Anyway, she didn't brutally murder me, or quietly assassinate me, or harm me in any way. What she did was give me a lovely hand massage until the mask was ready to wash off.
She was a lovely lady, not a crazy bitch, and I'm pretty sure I need therapy.
All in all, the facial was very relaxing, and my face skin feels and looks amazing after it, so I'm glad I got it and I will again. I might have a shot of tequila beforehand though, just to help myself chill out a bit.
Next treatment... The Aloe Vera body wrap. Karen went off for her facial while I went for my body wrap – swapsies! I have to tell you that Karen thoroughly enjoyed her facial. She obviously harbours no illusions that everybody is out to get her.
This body wrap thing is a crock, there is no way I would ever get it again. Now – my skin has felt literally amazing ever since, I don't think it's been so soft since I was just a tiny baby – but still, fuck that noise.
I went into a room with this young wan, and she said, "right missus, get your kit off and clamber awkwardly up onto that table until I slob this shite all over you."
That's totally not what happened, that's such a lie. She was actually very professional. But that might as well have been what she said, because that's what happened. I had to take my robe off, climb up onto the table in my disposable knickers, she slobbed gooey shite (lovely really good for you aloe vera gel) all over me, wrapped a load of cling-film stuff around me, left me there for half an hour maybe, then she came back and helped me out and I got in the shower and washed it off. It was disgustingly slimey.
But oh my goodness my skin is so soft and lovely. I keep stroking my arm and smiling about how soft I am.
I'd definitely recommend getting a body wrap if you want to hydrate your skin - I honestly can't stress enough how good my skin feels. But if you're looking for a relaxing treatment and you're prone to getting an itchy eyebrow as soon as you can't move your arms, this is not for you.
Next treatment, and best thing EVER, I'm so glad this one came last, because it meant I was actually relaxed leaving the place. The Thermal Mud Treatment. I want to have this every day and do it forever.
I had the nice facial massage lady again for this. She brought me to a treatment room and mixed up a bowl of this seaweed mud stuff, then put a line of it along a sheet of tin foil that was laid out on the treatment bed thing. I think she put some paper or something over it then, I wasn't really paying attention. She got me to sit up on the bed and lie back onto the line of mud, so I was lying with the line of mud underneath my spine. You get me? She then explained that it would pop and crackle underneath me and heat up a bit more – it was already hot – and to sit up for a few seconds if it got too hot, but thankfully it didn't.
Then she left me with some nice music for twenty minutes to half an hour. It was amazing. The mud was nicely hot, and it was doing this weird popping, crackling thing underneath me, which I'm not quite sure how to describe. It was as if air bubbles were coming to the top of the mud, and then popping on my back. Maybe that is what was happening. I don't know and I don't care, it was lovely.
So that was that, it was over when the mud cooled down, and I went and got dressed and it was time for us to go. We had a little wander around the beautifully landscaped gardens after we got dressed, although I don't think the spa people wanted us to be outside fully dressed.
They had earlier encouraged us to go for a walk in the gardens in our robes and slippers, but we didn't, because wearing indoor clothes outdoors is something that I have always considered an activity reserved for a certain type of person.
After we had a little sit on the hammocks and threw the ball for the dog a few times, it was time to leave. But we'll be back, a hot stone massage is on the cards for the future.