This was written a long time ago as a response to an article called 'What Men do When They're alone'. I don't remember what men do when they're alone, probably scratch themselves a lot.
Begin, and discover, if you are a man and you've always wondered.
I don't want to give too much away, because when the first ferocious battle in the great gender war comes and it's time to kill you all, finally ending mans tyrannical rule over women, we don't want you knowing exactly how prepared we are. But I suppose I can tell you a few of the less important things.
I can't really speak for every woman out there, I only know what I do when I'm alone, but all the other ladies can't be too much different from me, can they? I mean, we pretty much nearly all have vaginas...
One of the main things we do - when we're not weapons training - is trying on all our clothes. We like to try on different combinations of tops, skirts, shoes, jeans, jackets etc. and look at ourselves in the mirror. This is actually the only reason that we have so many clothes, and why we're always buying new ones.
You think we go to the sales and buy loads of bargains just to leave them hanging in the wardrobe? Get real, we're not crazy!
All of our clothes, whether you've seen us in them or not, are well worn, up and down the hall that doubles as a catwalk when there's nobody else around.
Do our hair
Sometimes we put out hair up in a bun, and stick on a pair of glasses. Then we practice this in the mirror - taking our glasses off with one hand, while simultaneously with the other hand pulling the hair-tie out and letting our hair cascade down our backs, shaking our heads slowly so the hair flicks from side to side, all the while trying to look as sexy as we can.
Sometimes we put our hair up in a ponytail, as high on our heads as we can get it, and we try to imagine what it would be like to be a dominatrix.
Sometimes we put our hair up in pigtails - the high up pigtails that asian schoolgirls have, not the long plait ones that hippies have – and we practice sucking lollipops in front of the mirror to see how sexy we can look.
Practice bad ass dance moves
We all want to be the sexiest one on the dance floor, bustin' out the coolest moves and catching everybody's eye. That's why when we're all on our own we turn up the volume on our favourite music television channel and we shake it like Beyonce or one of those other singer ladies with the big bums.
Think about cute boys... Sigh...
We're always thinking about cute boys that we fancy. And stalking them on Facebook because that's easier and much more legal than going outside and stalking them in real life. Mostly we hope that they'll ask us out and we'll get a chance to kiss them and stuff before the war begins. There'll be no kissing then.
Pretend it's our wedding.
Every girl wants a big fancy wedding, no matter how much they lie and say they don't. It's all we ever dream about from the moment we are born. So it stands to reason then that a lot of our alone time is spent flouncing around the house in the wedding dress that we bought in a charity shop and hid from everybody so they won't think we're insane.
We pretend we're walking up the aisle and we practice smiling graciously at our invisible wedding guests when we imagine them 'ooh' and 'aah' at how beautiful we look, the most beautiful bride in all the land...
We imagine saying our vows to our husband-to-be, and then imagine him saying his vows to us, the most romantic vows we've never heard, because no man has ever loved any woman as much, and we try to stop ourselves from crying, even though if we did cry it would be tears of the purest joy that rolled down our face.