Always be prepared. It's a good motto, even if you're not a boy scout.
To always be prepared, you should have a tampon or two in your handbag, have your phone fully charged when you're heading out for the day, and have a bottle of oil and a bottle of water in the boot of your car. You also should have a plan firmly in place for when the zombie apocalypse happens.


My plan, because I don't have access to an underground shelter, is to make my way to my parents house, with my boyfriend, my kid and my dogs. And my weapons of course. It's quite a large house in the country, with a couple of fields attached, set pretty far back from the road so we can see who's coming before they see us.
There's room there for the whole family, so my boyfriend, his family, and my brothers and their partners will all fit. We'll be quite the little army.
Of course, an army needs weapons, and – according to movies – to stop a zombie you need to destroy the brain or sever the head. That shit can't be easy. Skulls are made of bone, and that's a tough material. So lets take a look into the kinds of weapons one might need in the event of a zombie apocalypse, shall we?

Knives
Yep, you're going to need a knife. In fact, you're going to need an array of knives. Throwing knives, stabbing knives, skinning knives and of course, the knife of all knives, the Swiss Army Knife.

Throwing knives are most definitely needed, if the knife is your weapon of choice. A good big hunting stabby knife is grand and all, but if you're close enough to a zombie to stab it, then it is close enough to bite you. Throwing knives - if you practice enough – are perfect for slowing a zombie down from a distance while you try to get away. If your aim is good enough you may even be able to throw the knife right through the zombies brain.
The skinning knife is obviously needed for when you catch yourself some dinner. Keep the skin, you're going to need shoes for the winter.
I don't need to tell you why you need a Swiss Army Knife, we've all seen MacGyver.

You may also need a butter knife and a steak knife if you're lucky enough to be holed up somewhere with a good supply of butter and steak. Like a dairy farm.


Machetes
Machetes are great. If the human race is pretty much done for and there's not many people left to tend to things like hedges and trees, everything is going to get more than a little overgrown. So, if you need to go out and catch your dinner, you'll probably need to hack some brambles and nettles and scratchy branches out of your way. It will be necessary to always have a machete hanging from your belt. And if you happen upon a zombie on your travels, well, you have a grand weapon there that is light, sharp and very very dangerous.
The machete is readily available in places like hardware/gardening stores.

Swords
In a recent discussion with my daughter, we came to the conclusion that a sword is probably the best weapon to use in a zombie apocalypse. A good sharp sword, a steady aim and a pair of strong arms (attached to a sturdy body of course) will decapitate a zombie in the blink of an eye.
You don't need to get too close to a zombie, with a long sword, so the likelihood of being bitten is fairly low. You won't be too far away either – as you would be with a knife, a bow or a gun – so you'll be less likely to miss.
Unfortunately, good swords are not easy to get your hands on. But, if you're lucky enough to have one, keep it. You may need it someday.

Bow
I sincerely think that everybody should own a bow, everybody should know how to make bows and arrows, and everybody should be at least ok-ish at archery. A sword may be the best weapon to fight a zombie, but a bow is the most logical. You can buy bows in a lot of places now, as archery has become quite a popular sport.
If you are good enough, and your bow is strong enough, you'll be able to take out a zombie from a long way away. And - this is most important - you can make a bow, and arrows, from wood, in the wild. If you are really stuck and you don't have any string, you can use rawhide or, ya know, string that you make yourself from your really hairy dog.
If you don't have a really hairy dog, get one now. The hairs are annoying when the dog is shedding in warmer weather, they go in your sandwiches and all over your furniture, but you'll need all that hair someday, to keep you warm and make a bowstring.

Blunt objects
Blunt objects can be great. Baseball bats, pokers, crowbars, lead pipes, even the leg of a chair, or a plain old stick! All can be used in a pinch to stave in a zombies head.
However, these are not ideal weapons. As with the knife, you'll have to be pretty close to the zombie to destroy it this way, and that means you'll be in danger of getting bitten. You'll also expend a lot of energy smashing in a skull (I'd imagine) and if another zombie joins in the affray, will you be able to fight that one off too?

Gun
A lot of you probably think a gun would be your best defence in a zombie apocalypse, and you'd be right. Guns are perfect, as long as you know how to use them, keep them clean, don't accidentally shoot yourself or anybody else, and have an endless supply of bullets.

But you can't just go out and buy a gun. You need a licence, and in order to get a licence you need hunting permission, so look, you can't just own a gun if you're not a scumbag drug gangster or a farmer or hunter. Therefore, when the zombies happen, you probably won't be in possession of a gun.

You might think it will be easy enough to go out and steal one when all the shops are empty, but everybody is going to be doing that. Let's not forget, it's pretty much the end of the world here and people are going to be desperate. I'd like to think we'd all band together and help each other out, but come on... humans are pricks. If you're trying to steal weapons and other people are trying to steal those weapons at the same time, you're going to have a problem.

If you do manage to steal guns before everybody else, you'll also need to steal lots and lots of bullets, (if you know which bullets go into which guns) and after you waste all those bullets trying to shoot zombies in the head from far away, you'll need to steal lots and lots more bullets.

My point here is that guns would be perfect, but you can't have a gun forever unless you keep it cleaned and oiled, and you can't make a new one out of wood and dog hairs when you lose it or it breaks. You also can't make new bullets out of wood, sharp stones and feathers, so when you run out of ammo you'll need to try and find some more from somewhere. So make sure you have a back up plan.


That's pretty much it. I hope my extensive knowledge and wisdom helps you in some way. Thank you for listening.

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This was one of my 'Sarah's Top Tips For Men' pieces. It should be useful if you need to know how to be cool. It comes naturally to some people, but other people, like myself, are not so blessed. 

It's hard to be cool in this day and age, with so many cool people around already. It really seems to be a very competitive area of life, so I compiled a list to help you guys out just a little.

I hate that I have to say this, but I'm absolutely joking here. Please, please please please do not do any of these things. Some of them are very dangerous.



The stereotypical cool.
Wear sunglasses, a backwards baseball cap, a tight white t-shirt with a pack of cigarettes folded into the sleeve, and carry a skateboard around with you everywhere. If you're able to actually use a skateboard you could do that instead of carrying it, which would be much more effective.


Get a tattoo.
Any tattoo, it really doesn't matter.
Just go to your local tattoo parlour and pick one. Make sure that they don't charge you too much for it though, some of them are cheeky like that, they'd charge you a fortune for something your mates cousin could do in his kitchen for quarter the price. The ideal tattoo is something religious, rosary beads or a bible quote perhaps.
If you don't see a tattoo you like then maybe just get a tattoo of your own name. Your neck or forearm is the best place for a tattoo like this, because of how visible it would be, but you can get it right across your chest or back if you want a large piece.


Box the head off somebody.
Nobody is cooler than a tough guy. If you plan on fighting your way to coolness, try and do it with a few drinks on you. This will make you appear just that little bit cooler.
Most people who have been trained in the sport of boxing or the various asian styles of fighting won't feel the need to prove themselves. Therefore if you're picking this way to be cool then we're going to presume that you're not very good at fighting. So you need to pick the smallest weakest target you can find, and when you've done that you need to find a reason to attack them.
Maybe you could get in their way so they bump off you, or you could mis-hear something they say and accuse them of calling your mum fat. These are great reasons to hit people.


Take a load of drugs.
If you and your friends take drugs, the coolest one of you will be the one who can take the most drugs of all. You want to be that person. Maybe try to take drugs at home every day as practice, so you can gradually build up the amount you can take without dying.
There is a fine line, however, in drug taking. You have to be careful not to get to the stage where you're stealing off your nan or your elderly neighbour, because your friends won't think that's very cool.
Also they won't think it's so cool when your tiny brain is fucked and you're homeless and you smell of shit.


Ride a motorbike.
Get yourself a giant chunky pair of boots, you know the ones, with bits of shiny metal stuck on them and maybe pictures of skulls. Or flames... Or skulls with flames on them like they're on fire! Mental!
Also get some leather trousers and a leather jacket, preferably black - or black with a little bit of red. Now all you need is a motorbike helmet to bring your ensemble together, and off you go!
Oh... You'll probably need a motorbike as well, so grab yourself a Honda 50 or something. The bike doesn't really matter, nobody is going to know who's riding it, you'll have your helmet on. Just as long as you can walk around with your helmet in your hand, your leather gear on and your big ole' boots, you're sorted.


Binge drink.
Ok so you go out on the weekend with your mates, you all throw pints into yourselves, after closing you go back to someones house and drink even more. The last man still drinking at the end of the night is obviously the coolest.
Now, guys, it's common knowledge that the more you drink, the more you CAN drink. So if you haven't had a drink in ages you'll be on your ear after your second or third pint. The best thing to do is secretly lash a few cans into you every evening, practice makes perfect - just like the drugs. If you can manage to mix the two, why, even better! Then when you go out with the boys you'll be sorted. Don't worry about what it's doing to your liver, cool people don't need livers.


Have sex with everyone.
This one is simple. If she has legs, try and get beween them. If she doesn't have legs, well... That's even easier isn't it? The more women you ride, the cooler you'll be. So get that knob out.


Treat your lady like crap.
If you have a wife/girlfriend and you treat her just like you would anybody else – with respect and courtesy – you're doing it wrong.
You need to click your fingers at that bitch when you ask her... nay, tell her... to make you a cup of tea. You say jump, she says how high. If she won't, find someone who will. You're just a sad loser if your woman doesn't do what she's told. And sad losers aren't cool.


Get all the latest gadgets first.
No matter what it is, you need to own it first. New games console out? Get it first. Never mind if you're not a gamer, just flippin' get it.
New tablet, get it first, new phone, get it first. New Smart TV... ah you get the idea.
There's not much in this world cooler than a man who is able to say 'have it already' every time someone opens their mouth to speak


See all the movies first.
You'll spend your life at the cinema, but never mind that. It'll be worth it when you get to say 'seen it already, yeah it's great/shit/alright' every time any movie is ever mentioned.


Drive a deadly car.
You can only do this if you're under the age of 24, otherwise you're just really sad.
Drive up and down your local area all day – but watch out for those speed bumps! You must try to have the lowest to the ground car, with the shiniest alloys, the widest wheels, the blackest tyres and the biggest spoiler. Park up outside a petrol station or in a Lidl carpark with other like minded car-owners to chat about things like engines, wheels, and those air fresheners shaped like Christmas trees. Another thing I imagine you could do with all the other car-coolies is hold competitions to see who has the noisiest exhaust. If that is you then be proud, and I shall be proud too, because you have learned well grasshopper. 

I forgot I wrote this. I'm glad I did though, I find it rather enjoyable. Read on if you would like to fondly remember some of the raddest insults from the 80's and 90's...

Are you mean?
Do you enjoy calling people names?
Are you sick of repeating yourself?
If you have answered yes to one or all of these questions, then hopefully what I have listed below will help you out.
The usual 'shit-head, dick-head, knob-head' well, anything-head really can be used as an insult these days can't it? But these are getting old.
And old is getting new again, or it will be if I have anything to do with it.
Sometimes you don't want to use these tired words. Sometimes you wish your insult vocabulary was wider. Or sometimes you just make up your own - like the time my dear friend Susan so eloquently expressed her anger by blurting out one of my now favourite made-up words - 'cuntyhole'.
Unfortunately we don't all have these wonderful skills with words, like Susan does. So, for your convenience I have very kindly put together a list of wonderful insults, the ones we love and remember fondly from our childhood. Retro insults. I've broken them down and deciphered them for you as well, so if anybody asks you what you mean when you insult them, you'll sound like you know what you're talking about.


Dill-hole
Dill is a herb. And a hole is a hole (that's what he said). So a dill hole, naturally, is a hole in which one might place ones dill plant. Or dill pickle...


Piss-ant
Piss is urine, right? And an ant is a tiny, extremely strong insect. Ants bite you and steal your picnic.


Dick-weed
Dick is a nickname, the short version of the name Richard. The name Richard means 'powerful leader'. A weed is a plant that nobody likes or wants and people try to kill all the time.


Cock-knocker
Well we all know a cock is a male chicken, or a rooster, but also it is the adult male of many different types of bird.
A knocker is a usually metal fixture that people attach to their front door so that visitors can use it to signal that they wish to be granted entry to the abode that the aforementioned front door belongs to.


Douche-bag
The word douche is a french one, meaning shower.
Douching usually refers to rinsing out ones vagina.
Charming.
Bag... ugh I'm getting tired of explaining simple words, why did I start this...


Butt-munch
Butt is a slang word for ones posterior, or buttocks. Also it can be used to describe the end of a cigarette, and various other things; water butt, rifle butt, butt of the joke...
Munch was a brilliant Norwegian artist who did that painting The Scream. Also munching is what your mouth does when you eat.




Penis Breath
An insult brought to us from the movie ET. Brilliant. A penis is the male genital organ, used for copulation and wee wee.
Breath is (from the dictionary) noun: an inhalation or exhalation of air from the lungs.


Ass-wipe
Ass is another slang word for posterior, but it is also another name for a donkey. Donkeys are awesome animals. You should all adopt one from a sanctuary immediately.
Wipe is something that people do, usually with a cloth, to clean things like countertops, kitchen tables etc. You can also wipe your feet on the doormat, wipe your face if you get spaghetti sauce on it, that sort of thing.


Pencil-neck
A pencil is a tool used for drawing and writing.
A neck is the part of ones body that holds the head up.


Laser-brain
A brilliant insult from one of the Star Wars movies, I do believe. A laser is a light emitting device. The word LASER is an acronym for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.
A brain is that pile of mush in your head that controls your body. Use it wisely, you only get one.


Dirtbag
A bag used for dirt? A bag of dirt? I'm not too sure.


Airhead
Air... yeah I'm not describing or explaining either of these words. Air and head, you know what they are.


Dipstick
A dipstick is a measurement device, the most widely known probably is the dipstick used in cars to measure the quantity of oil in the engine.


I hope this proves helpful. Let me know if you use them to insult any of your friends or family. And please, share if any of you, lovely readers, have some favourite insults from the good old days.  

I love Jessica Fletcher. My grannies were both amazing - before they went and died... but if I were allowed to have a third one? Well Jessica Fletcher is the obvious choice. And here are my top reasons why.


10. She’s Cool.
She once worked with Magnum P.I. That’s a brilliant thing to be able to tell your friends about your granny. “Oh, your granny won fifty quid on the bingo did she? Well, my granny went to Hawaii and solved a case with Thomas Magnum. You know..? Magnum P.I..? he of the fabulous moustache?” Yeah, she’d win hands down in the cool granny disputes with that one. 


9. She’s longer lasting. Better value some might say.
As Jessica doesn’t drive a car, she seems to have a very active lifestyle. She is never off that bicycle of hers, and if she’s not cycling somewhere it’s only because she wanted to go for a nice stroll. This would surely lead to her having a longer life expectancy than most old ladies. That quality would be very much appreciated in a grandmother; it’s never nice when they die. Cycling is great fun as well, imagine going for a cycle with your lovely old Nana Jess, stopping for a picnic along the way on a beach in Cabot Cove. How nice.


8. She’s industrious.
She is very hard working. A good work ethic is a fine trait in any human. Before becoming a popular murder mystery novelist, she taught English to students in a high school somewhere, (probably Cabot Cove) and in one of the later series of Murder, She Wrote, she started teaching criminology at a university in Manhattan. She didn’t have to take that job, sure she must have been loaded after selling all those books. And no matter where she goes or how busy she is, she always has time to help people out. Of prison. Because they’ve been falsely accused of murder.

7. She’s respectable.
She’s not a tart like some older ladies one might see on the television or down the local pub. This is another excellent characteristic. Jessica has been widowed for quite some time and seems to have no end of male admirers dotted around the country, probably because of those lovely legs (from all that cycling) and that dazzling smile of hers. But still Jessica seems to have stayed a one man woman. She still speaks fondly of her husband Frank and although she seems to enjoy the company of all her male friends she is never flirty.

6. She’s a good helper.
If it weren’t for Jessica Fletcher, can you imagine how many people would have been locked in prison forever, or even sentenced to death  for crimes they didn’t commit? Can you imagine how many murders would have been left unsolved by bumbling detectives? Can you imagine how many families would have been left in turmoil, having no closure, not knowing the truth of what happened? Well you can now, can’t you? So maybe you’ll all thank the heavens that this angel was sent to save the day instead of mumbling and joking about her suspected involvement in all of the murders that she so kindly solves. 

5. She’s very clever and brave.
She is decidedly modern for her age. Most old people still listen to the wireless, communicate with each other via telegraphs, eat ‘rations’ and speak in Latin, but not our Jess. She started out with a quill and papyrus, went on to use a typewriter to clack out her stories onto paper, until finally putting her faith in modern technology and getting herself a computer. You surely all know how older people feel about computers so we think you’ll agree this was especially clever and brave of her. 
Oh, and the crime fighting – that’s clever and brave too!


4. She’s hot.
Jessica is very beautiful, both inside and out - You don’t find both of those qualities in a person very often. In fact, you don’t find even one of those qualities in a person very often. People are generally quite mean and unattractive.


3. She’s talented
She’s a best selling author. Like, hello... that’s brilliant. That’s a really intelligent talent to have. Some people are talented at singing or dancing or yoyo, but writing a good book has got to be one of the best talents around. Wouldn’t it just be wonderful, if she was your grandmother, to curl up on her sofa reading one of her murder mystery novels while the smell of freshly baked scones wafts through the house and the sounds of her typewriter clack and ring in your ears? 


2. She’s not a mental.
She didn’t allow herself to become bitter and twisted. This is probably the most important reason of all. Mental grannies are great fun but if you were choosing your own you’d go for a sane one. Right?
Her husband tragically died (young enough too as far as we can make out) leaving her alone and childless. From what the show ‘Hoarders’ has taught us about childless widows, Jessica Fletcher’s house should be filthy and she should have collected at least forty cats by now. But does she have even one? Does she heck, she’s far too busy enjoying life and being wonderful to look after a stinky old cat. 
She should also probably be spending her time being absolutely beastly to everyone and chasing children around on that bicycle of hers, threatening to ‘get’' them, and perhaps even their little dogs too. But does she? No, no my friends, she does not. What a source of inspiration this woman is.


1. She’s a great role model.
I'm quite looking forward to growing old. Old people can act as crazy as they like and go for weeks without washing themselves and nobody says a word to them about it. Old people can hit cars with their walking sticks, throw piss-soaked rags at innocent passers by and nobody reacts. It seems like great fun to be sure. But I don't actually want to do any of that fun stuff. I shall strive to end up like Jessica. Refined, happy, much loved Jessica. Good old Jessica Fletcher.
​

I've been quite enjoying sharing my top tips with you. Here are some more, to help if you know any men and you would like to make them feel a bit special. I'm sure they already feel special, because of their privilege and all. But they can never feel too special, I think.

Men are always working hard to make us ladies feel special. Buying us diamonds, opening doors for us, paying for our dinner, wolf whistling at us in the street, commenting about our boobs... you know, all those things that we just love.
But us ladies, ungrateful wenches that we are, we just can't give back can we? We just take, take, take, all the time. So here are some more of my top relationship tips to help you to be less selfish.

Don't try and be all Lara Croft or some other female action hero like Buffy or whatever.

Men are strong. Girls are weak and they faint sometimes and scream a lot.
Now, someday the world is going to end. There will be lots of natural disasters and I'm presuming some monsters will come. They could be prehistoric Godzilla types, or they could be a new type of man made monster, like Sharktopus. Either way, they will want to eat you.
When all of this happens, the people that you love are going to be in danger. If you want to be able to save them yourself, you must make sure that you are single. However, if you happen to be in a relationship, well, you're going to have to let your man save them for you. There is nothing more emasculating to a man than a woman saving her own child from, oh lets say a burning building for example... Why, if you did that yourself can you imagine how tiny everyone would think your partners penis was?
So, if it happens that somebody you love is in danger, just let him handle things. Don't you dare try to rescue them yourself. You just wait for your man to do it, all the while watching him, with one hand maybe on the side of your face, while the other hand clutches your chest and throat area. From time to time you could put both hands over your eyes, or your mouth. And definitely throw in a couple of screams for maximum effect, while you stare wide eyed and helpless at the scenario unfolding in front of you.
When the rescue is finished, run to your man – maybe even stumble a little bit on the way! - and embrace him as tightly as possible. Don't let go until he forces you to, and make sure to cry a little bit.
You may be asking, what if it's your man who needs rescuing? There's no easy way to say this, but if your man is in a sticky situation, and it's not something that can be fixed with a cup of tea or a nice sandwich, you're going to have to just leave him. Any real man would much prefer to be eaten by monsters, or swallowed up by a freak earthquake, than have their girlfriend rescue them.
Walk away, you'll be doing him a favour.

You'll swallow, and you'll like it.

Yeah, that's right. All too often have I heard my friends complain about their significant others skills in the kitchen. What you ladies don't seem to realise is this. A man in the kitchen is a man making a real effort. Men don't cook, it's simply not their job (unless it is their actual job, in that case they're waaay better at it than any woman) so for a man to make you a meal, to put themselves through that, just for you? You had better be grateful. What if his friends found out? Imagine the ridicule he would face. He is hazarding that shame and embarrassment for you. To do something nice, romantic even, for you. So fucking eat it.
He may do this once a week, once a month, once a year, or maybe only once in a lifetime. He may make you beans on toast, a single hard-boiled egg, some burnt fish fingers, a cup-a-soup, or a gourmet five course meal. It may be delicious, it may be mediocre, or it may taste like actual dog poo.
No matter!
Any time he makes you food, ensure that you savour every single solitary bite you take. Every fork-full that you put into your mouth, remember to make a moaning sound. Every time you swallow, say 'yum yum' in a slow sexy voice, and rub your tummy in an appreciative manner. I don't care if it tastes like otter vomit, this man has been through hell and back to put food on your plate, and you must show him how much that means to you.

Feed him. Constantly.

I don't know why they don't teach this to little girls as a school subject. Men are always hungry. The best way to keep him happy is to feed him. All of the time. Think of him as a baby bird. I might not go as far as chewing up his food for him and spitting it into his mouth, not all the time anyway, but make sure it is always on offer. If he has to ask for it, you're not doing a very good job.
If he says that he doesn't want food, you should prepare it anyway, in case he changes his mind. Then if he doesn't eat it at least you get a chance to have a bit of a moan, because of all the wasted time and effort you put in to preparing the food that he didn't even try to eat. Women love to moan right? I know I do! You could even scrape his food loudly into the bin, or the dogs dish! And say something like 'I don't know why I bother'... But no, this is about making your man feel special, not being a dickhead.
So make your man food all of the time and offer it to him regularly. Even when he is asleep, if you wanted to, you could get up at hourly intervals to make sure he doesn't want a sandwich or something. Actually, wouldn't that be a great time to try chewing his food up and spitting it into his mouth? You wouldn't have to disturb his slumber, and he wouldn't have to go hungry.


Fix him if he hurts himself.

Power tools are notoriously dangerous. And a lot of men have been known to use tools with a flagrant disregard for their own safety. Some call it stupid, but I think it's rather brave of them.
Those big noisy machines give me the shivers.
If a man is going to hurt himself it is most likely that he will do it with some sort of tool. And men are almost always using tools, so the likelihood of him hurting himself is quite high. This is why every woman – if they want to be in a relationship – should really have a first aid course under her belt.

If you haven't gotten around to that yet though, please read on so you will know what to do when he hurts himself. The next time he comes to you after cutting his face with a circular saw, or drilling a hole through his own foot, be sure you have some antiseptic to hand. You don't want him getting an infection. Wash his wound with clean water and pour dettol (or whatever the fuck) liberally all over it. Stick a plaster on, or if it's bleeding profusely maybe dress it with some gauze and wrap a bandage around it.
Give him a big kiss and send him on his way.


Always try to understand him.

The main reason a man will stray is because his wife doesn't understand him. This is something I have learned from both the television and real life. Some of my former partners cheated on me because I didn't understand them. I didn't understand their need to be giant fat liars. I didn't understand their need to disappear for days without letting me know where they were going – or even that they were going at all. I didn't understand their need to try and tell me what to wear or who I was allowed to talk to. I didn't understand a lot of the stupid wanker things they did.
Maybe if I had been more understanding in those relationships, I would still be with one of those gentlemen.
But alas, it was not to be. And that is all my own fault. I can acknowledge this now.

You don't want your partner meeting a busty blonde in a bar and giving her the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' line. Busty blondes fall for that, hook, line, and sinker, every time.
To prevent any such thing happening with you and your man, when your partner is talking to you, you must nod and smile and say yes a lot. Even if you don't have any idea what he is harping on about, you must pretend that you completely understand the inner workings of his mind. There will be plenty of time to think about it later, and even google it if you can.
Hopefully you'll understand it eventually.